Sedge Court Journal
Providing sports fans with expert analysis since 2004

Monday, August 14, 2006

Tenderness. Where is it?
I was somewhat amused by Chad Johnsons's new look and his "Soap Opera" Touchdown celebration plans. For those who may have missed the interview, Chad told sideline reporters that this years theatrics are"going to be like a soap opera, a continuing thing every week, with new episodes. People won't be able to miss it because, just like with a soap opera, you'll lose track. So everyone is going to have to watch to get that week's secret message. Plus, with the year I'm going to have, they're not going to want to miss any of it anyway."
"Look, they said you can't use props, right?" Johnson said. "You can't bring anything onto the field, or hide it in the end zone, or whatever. I mean, to me, it's silly, because on one hand they really want us to be entertainers, and then they take away a way to entertain people. But here's the thing: Every week, I will get in front of the cameras and kind of announce, in a secret way, what I want the fans to do for that game. I mean, it'll be kind of like a code, but there will be enough hints that people should be able to get it. And every week, the fans will be my props. They can't fine me for that. It's going to drive the competition committee crazy trying to figure it out.
So the big question for the idiot fans who intend to participate in this retarded scheme has to be "What are the mysterious clues that Chad will be giving us?"
Well, the first clue is the gold mohawk. Chad intends to fuse his Touchdown celebrations with the 1984 gold record entitled "All the Rage" by pop band General Public. Sources deep within the Chad Johnson camp tell me that he was inspired by Ranking Rogers lyrical and stylistic expressions of early altrenative music and that the first regular season Touchdown in Paul Brown Stadium will feature the Wide-Out making love to the ball while fans sing the hit song "Tenderness".

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